We have all heard the term: she is “well connected”, meaning that a person knows many people, and this can help them get things done. But after listening to relationship coach Steph Dawson-Cosser, you will have a new perspective on what “well connected” really means. Dawson-Cosser says that the way we conduct our interactions with others, can affect our health, happiness and creativity.
WE INHERIT OUR CONNECTION DYNAMICS AND CAPABILITIES
Everything, from the basics of our day-to-day survival, to the achievement of our loftiest dreams depends on our relationships or being “connected”. Sadly, to a large degree, we buy into the ideas that relationships, whether with our boss, partner or kids, are difficult, demanding and tense. We’d all love to have comfortable, happy relationships, but we expect that finding fulfilment in them is exceedingly rare, happening only to ‘the lucky ones’.
Steph Dawson-Cosser, is speaking on this topic at the upcoming SACAP Festival of Learning. She is a relationship specialist with over thirty years of experience in child and family care who advocates a smart and consistent focus on the quality of our connections in our relationships. We inherit most of our connection dynamics and capabilities. Strategies such as passive aggressiveness, co-dependence, or other controlling behaviours diligently pass through generations unchecked. So we can easily become bewildered when someone tells us we don’t conduct relationships well.
WE CAN CHANGE THE WAY WE BEHAVE IN RELATIONSHIPS
According to Steph, a relationship needn’t be without connection. “As a Time to Think® accredited coach, I help people create a Thinking Environment® for relationships where the quality of the connection is of paramount importance,” she says. “Whether personal or professional, relationships with poor connections are characterised by the lack of love, disrespect, frustration, competition, anger, passive aggressive behaviour, growing apart rather than growing together, as well as the lack of care and attention for self and others. If you recognise any, or many of these attributes in your relationships with your partner, child, parent, boss, friend or colleague, you can change this by applying the ten components of the Thinking Environment® devised by Nancy Kline.”
Steph explains that the Thinking Environment® is a set of behaviours that enables people to live and work together in respectful, collaborative and connected ways by being highly aware of themselves and others. When these behaviours are present, people feel respected, heard and appreciated. As a result, they feel they are in trusted relationships and that ignites generative thinking, creativity and enthusiastic participation for the good of the whole – whether that’s a relationship, family, team, organisation or community.
SCIENCE BACKS THE NEED FOR CONNECTION
This is not all about feel-good ‘soft skills’. Steph points out that the Thinking Environment® is rooted in the latest neuroscience. When we learn and practice the behaviours, the chemistry in our brains changes, which in turn impacts on how we show up and relate to others, and they to us. It’s a profound transformation from the typical loaded and charged experience of unsatisfying relationships. “When we feel safe, loved and valued, we want to contribute from our skills and strengths. We get a much-needed break from being on the defence or trying to control others. When we believe we are truly on the same side, we are empowered and free to go the extra mile, to take risks, to stretch and try new things. We move into a way of being where we are always learning and growing. This leads to a general life experience of being happy and fulfilled.”
SACAP’s Festival of Learning takes place in Johannesburg on 17th and 18th of May, and in Cape Town on 24th and 25th of May 2018. Stephanie Dawson-Cosser will be presenting her talk, ‘Connection is to relationships what oxygen is to breathing’ as part of the Johannesburg programme on Friday, 18th May.
Tickets for the 2018 Festival of Learning are available through Webtickets for R200.